Friday, February 10, 2006

I recently came across two middle-aged rednecks in a parking lot. I was coming from the gym so I was in shorts and a t-shirt at around 8:30 p.m. on a cold night. The following is the interaction that ensued:
Redneck Woman: Hey boy, yew got a light?
Josh: No, sorry.
Redneck Man: Why would he have himself a light? He's in shorts 'n t-shirt, he don't need cigarettes.
Redneck Woman: Yew shore there's no light on yew?
Josh: Uhh...yea I'm sure.
Redneck Man: What I tell yew? Were two minutes from the fuckin' o-tell and them cancer can wait a-nutter two minutes longer to kill yew.
Redneck Woman: What? I just want mah--
Redneck Man (interrupting): Git in th' damn car woman! I swear almighty I kill yew 'fore that cancer does.
Josh: *stunned silence as they ''git in 'th car'' followed by hysterical laughter once he speeds away*

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

My College Essay

Sometimes when nobody is around, I sit and try to make things move. I stare with all my might at, say, the remote control. I try to clear my mind and visualize the remote control levitating in the air and gently gliding into my right palm. When that fails, I open my eyes as wide as possible, refusing to blink or move at all, and think, “MOVE!” So far, nothing has ever moved. But I won’t give up. I am still hoping to discover my telekinetic powers.

I guess what I fear most is being ordinary. Well, Okay--I admit I fear terrorists, a monster in the closet, big snakes, and knowing that I have an angry girlfriend to confront, just as much or more. But I don’t want to be ordinary. Ordinary is so boring; ordinary is pointless, ordinary is so very . . . ordinary. Anyone can be ordinary. But I don’t want to be just anyone.

The news makes me think about being ordinary. Too often the news tells us of people who want to be extraordinary, to be super-people. To do this, they kill innocent, helpless beings. Now, I don’t need to kill anybody; I am a tad more laid back than most serial killers. But I, too, want to do something. I have a predilection towards living in a friend’s basement, eating Ramen Noodle Soup, writing the most prestigious humor column in the world, worthy of Dave Barry comparison.

My grandpa once told me, “If you think you’re being original, you’re probably wrong. You must first study history to see if anyone has done the same thing before.” Only one percent of my life is original, if that. Humans have been recording history for about 10,000 years. I won't be the first person to go through anything that I go through. You see, I want to change the world; I want to make the difference.

Now, they tell me I have nothing to worry about, they say I’ll be fine. They say I will find my niche in the world and live comfortably. What I hear is that I will get a normal desk job, a normal house, and be comfortable with my dull lifestyle.

I refuse to be just another ordinary, normal, dull person in the crowd. Eventually I’ll solve the dispute between the Israelis and the Palestinians, or create a cheap and effective source of power that will wipe out the need for oil.

Perhaps tomorrow will be the day I make the remote control move.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

I played T-Ball when I was younger. I don't like to think about my experience with T-Ball because of how much my team sucked. You know it's time to quit when the local newspaper publishes an article about your team's latest game with the headline "Standing T Pitches Perfect Game in Little League Match."